Meet Jaime.  She’s a 45-year old, single mother of two.  Jaime emigrated, pregnant, 15 years ago from a southeastern Asian country to make a better life for herself, along with her husband and her 6-year old daughter, Jenny.  A few months after arriving in the United States, she gave birth to her son, Jim.  While life was initially difficult for Jaime and her family, she eventually managed to both hold a janitorial job and go to school to earn a degree in Information Technology.  Her efforts were hampered by her poor grasp of English and her heavy accent.  The work was difficult and stressful, the pay was horrible, and she never seemed to have time to rest or enjoy life with her family.  To top it all off, she had no one whom she could confide in; not even her husband.

Life hit another unexpected road bump when her marriage fell apart and she divorced from her husband shortly after graduating from college, 4-years later.  Suddenly single, her ex-husband a deadbeat dad who had (and to this day still has) little to no interaction with his children, and no relatives living nearby, Jaime was put into a difficult situation.  Her entry level wage at the IT firm where she worked was simply not enough.  After 2 years of barely scraping by, Jaime’s path was clear: She had to get a second job.  Unable to afford childcare given her living expenses, she relied on Jenny to take care of Jim while she was at work.  Jaime only briefly saw her children before rushing off to work every morning, having an hour or two to make and have dinner with her kids before rushing off to her second job in the evening, and came home long after her children had gone to sleep at night.  Still, Jaime persevered; rationalizing her efforts as “for the good of her children.”

Eventually, through years of hard work, Jaime reached a position at her IT firm where she no longer needed the income from her second job.  After quitting, she began to rebuild life with her children.  Jenny, now 13-years old, was able to enjoy her life as an adolescent now that Jim was older and her mother was around more often.  Family life quickly became rewarding for everyone.

Jaime was dead-set on making up for the years that she had lost with her children when she was overworked.  The family would have dinner every night and play board games together as often as possible.  Fridays were especially anticipated as Jaime made it a ritual to take her children out to eat.  During all these activities, Jaime always made sure to have conversations with her children regarding their days and lives.  For the most part, the children freely spoke about what was going on in their lives.  For years, Jaime and her children led an idyllic life and Jaime was ecstatic that her hard work paid off.   When Jenny was 18 (and headed off to college) and Jim 13 (getting ready to graduate from middle school), Jaime even found time to date again.  Two years after finding a (to Jaime), “nice, supportive man,” they moved in together, to another city.  This would only be the beginning of the changes Jaime and her family would face.

It was subtle, at first.  Jaime actually believed she was being paranoid, but after a while, it was unbearable.  Jim had changed; he was quiet, no long sharing his day with her.  To compound her worries, Jim also stopped bringing friends over or staying over at their houses from time to time like he used to.  She even got reports that he was late to school and even performed poorly on a test.  Where previous conversations about Jim’s day led to rich discussions and emotions, she now was met with indifference, monosyllabic responses, or the dreaded, “I guess.”  Jim always kept his head down and would often go to his room to play video games or chat online after doing his homework instead.

Jaime was confused.  What was wrong with her son?  Her daughter certainly never behaved this way.  She was always such a good child and shared her concerns with her mother; just like Jaime did with her mother back in her heritage country.  In fact, Jenny still to this day often held long conversations with her mother about the goings on of her life.  So why was Jim so different?  She asked her daughter for her opinion but Jenny too, was at a loss; just as concerned as her mother.  To Jenny, who grew up taking care of Jim, this now unresponsive brother of hers was completely alien.  Then one day, Jaime came upon a realization: It was her fault.  She had abandoned her child in his early life and now she had broken her son.   Jaime was devastated.

Jaime tried valiantly to fix things.  She would buy Jim the things she thought he’d like: The latest video games, nice clothes, expensive food, but still, nothing changed.  A rarity for her, she even began to take vacation time so that she could spend even more time with her son, but she was dismayed to find herself rebuked and driving Jim even further away from her.  Being very technically savvy, she looked up what she should do online, but discovered that she had already tried almost all the solutions the Internet offered.  Her boyfriend, likewise, also had no idea what to do as his attempts to spend time with Jim were always evaded.   He consoled Jaime as best he could, but she still worried.  Jaime was at her wits’ end.  She had broken her son and become a horrible mother.  And, to her, there was only one logical conclusion: She was a horrible person.   Fear and shame began to seep their way into her life and Jaime was afraid that others would find out what she had done, so she kept quiet in her despair; watching her son slip further and further away from her.

Debrief

This incarnation of Jaime has certainly had a difficult life.  Like many immigrants, she left her home looking for a better life for herself and her family.  Instead, she found several trials, difficulties, and emotional obstacles that threatened to tear her family apart.  The stress of a failed marriage, financial woes, working two jobs, and never seeing your family can have negative effects on anyone.  However, add in cultural factors and the situation becomes much more complicated.

Typically, Asian cultures take a more collectivistic stance.  In collectivist cultures, the family is one of the most important aspects of life.  Because of this, the image or honor of the family is also extremely important.  Any problems that may arise in the household are almost exclusively dealt with internally or by elder relatives.  While of course, not all Asian cultures conform to this notion, Jaime’s does.  But obviously there’s a problem with this: Jaime does not have any relatives she can count on.  Jaime is left working through her problems with her son on her own.  As her family structure is already off-kilter, Jaime finds she is ill-equipped to handle this issue, but does the best she can in hopes of restoring the harmony in her family.

In addition, consider not only the Asian cultural value, but also the American value placed upon the image of being a “good” or “bad” mother.  It is almost a universal concept that the mother holds the majority of the responsibility for raising their children properly.

A widely held societal and cultural belief can tend to have oppressive effects on people.  These sorts of beliefs essentially color the way we conduct our actions, for better or worse, and can lead us to make decisions that we know may not be the best option in order to save face.

Questions to consider

• Put yourself in Jaime’s shoes:
  • Your son suddenly stops talking to you, he’s behaving in a completely different way than your older daughter did at his age, what do you do?  How do you react?
  • Oh my!  You just broke your son!  What do you think about yourself?
  • Think about all the social stereotypes about bad mothering, would you want your son’s “damage” to be your fault?  Now add in what you’ve learned about social status from the earlier debrief and reconsider the question.
  • Using only the information that Jaime has, what’s your reaction to what’s going on with your son?
• Why is Jaime’s belief system causing her so much distress?
• What cultural values are in conflict?  Which ones are right?
• Why is Jenny’s role important?  Is it?
• Now, read the second part here