Let’s see, where to start.  Well, let me tell you more about Jaime.  Jaime is roughly my age, about 28—maybe 30 at the most.  I never stopped to ask, it doesn’t seem that important.  We work together in a branch office of one of those big, faceless corporations.  I’m in charge of proofing documents; a real snore.  Jaime does a lot of the filing and data entry for our department.  I asked Jaime once if he did something like this back home.  His response was that he did something similar only without the desk, the computers, and with a lot more fishing and scaling instead.  A real cut-up this guy.  I’m getting off-track again.  Like I mentioned earlier, I met Jaime only a few years after he immigrated.  I was really taken by surprise when I learned this as Jaime didn’t seem to have any problems fitting into our culture at all.  He just kept his nose to the grindstone and did his job.  I can’t really think of anything else that you need to know about Jaime, so I’ll get on with this story.  I bet you’re about to nod off anyway!

When I first met Jaime, he was a real normal looking guy.   No wait.  That came out wrong.  He was skinny you know?  Not fat at all.  But recently, he’s been getting…let’s say, “Chubby,” for lack of a better term.  I’d love to say that it was a surprise, but I sort of always expected this to happen.  Why?  Because Jaime is a meat-eater—that man loves him some beef and chicken.  He also tends to eat out a lot at burger joints and the local fried chicken joint.  I’m actually not too surprised at his choice in venues.  As far as I can tell, Jaime lives alone and probably doesn’t know how to cook.  Actually I’m sure he doesn’t know how to cook.  I still have nightmares about that time we convinced him to man the grill at the last company picnic.  Those poor birds.  Um, but anyway, back to the problem at hand.  I’m not even sure if I should keep pursuing this issue, but I’m afraid he’s getting caught up in America’s obesity problem.  Jaime looks perfectly happy about what he eats so, maybe I shouldn’t say anything.  Still, given where Americans as a whole are going, I don’t want Jaime’s family’s first impression of their “Americanized” son to be of a wheezing, obese one.

I tried being real subtle at first; I know I wouldn’t want anyone to be in my face about something like this.  Maybe it’s a language thing; I’m not sure, because I always felt my attempts to hint at his poor diet choices to be brushed off.  I think he understands what I’m trying to say.  I mean, he’s a smart guy and never has any problems doing his work, after all.  But sometimes it’s like we’re speaking different languages, you know?  I say stuff, he nods , but I can’t be sure if he actually hears what I’m saying.  I know what you’re going to say: “Stop being subtle then!”  Well I tried that too, it didn’t work out so well.  I think I was too pushy because Jaime doesn’t seem to want to talk to me as much anymore.  He also has stopped eating lunch with me.  I would’ve thought he stopped eating lunch altogether, but I often see the remains of his latest foray to the nearby burger joint in his trash bin.  I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.  What did I do?  Well I tried to get him to eat more salads one time—when I took him out to lunch.  He just balked at the price of salads and ordered the sausage brunch special instead.  I tried showing him brown rice, but I think I may as well have kicked a puppy with the look of horror he gave me after trying some.  I even tried being blunt and told him that he should ease up on the red meat.  He just gave me another one of those smiles and nods and well, let’s just say I don’t think I had any impact on his eating habits.

It’s real frustrating for me, you know?  I mean, I thought we were friends—that we’d help each other out.  I know he helps me whenever I need a hand and I really appreciate that.  But he just doesn’t seem to appreciate my help.  I may as well be talking to a brick wall for all the effect I’ve had on him!  Sorry, I should stop ranting now.  It’s just, I find myself resenting Jaime a bit for ignoring my advice like this.  I’m trying to help him be healthier here.  I don’t know.  What do you think?  Should I just drop the issue?  I’d feel awful though if Jaime develops health problems in the future though.  If I keep pushing, I feel as if we wouldn’t be friends anymore.  I’m just not sure what to do.

Debrief

So what’s going on with Jaime and his friend?  Certainly it seems reasonable to be concerned about a friend’s eating habits; especially if it is leading them down the path of poor health.  But why is Jaime so adamant in not eating healthier?  Of course there are countless reasons and possibilities for this behavior, but this being a series of bicultural stories, we’ll go with that one for the time being.  And please do keep in mind that this is only one of many possible explanations for a situation that Jaime’s friend is facing.

What we have here is a difference in values on the cultural level.  In many countries across the world, the resource that we call food has different implications depending on where you are.   In Jaime’s case, as in the case of many other immigrants, his heritage culture places a high value on meat.  In many countries, meat is seen as a luxury; a sign of wealth.  You know you’ve made it big if you can put meat on the table every day.  What do you do to celebrate significant events?  You spend a little extra on meat to serve your guests, of course!  But on a day-to-day basis, only a small amount of meat is served; usually alongside plenty of grains (such as rice) and vegetables.  This is quite healthy, you say?  But of course!  But health isn’t usually the only purpose of the vegetation and grains.

Instead, these things are usually served to make the meal a little more filling—to make the meat go a little further.  Needless to say then, is that products such as beef or poultry are often relatively expensive compared to vegetables in many countries.  On the other hand, vegetables are often very inexpensive as they are quick to grow and can even be grown in the back yard in a pinch.  Cut to America where almost the opposite is true.   Here, meats and vegetables are equally easy to come by.  However, with exception for the prime cuts of beef, meat, pound-for-pound, cost about the same as vegetables in the grocery store.  In fact, sometimes vegetables can cost more than meat (I can think of no better example than the recent trend to consume dandelion greens).  Suddenly, vegetables become relatively expensive and meat relatively inexpensive in comparison.  Thus, having meat on the table everyday becomes a reality.  This does not include fast food restaurants (where you can get a burger for a buck and some change, what a value!) and other luxuries such as desserts and candies.  Suddenly you’re in a place where all those things denied to you are readily available.  Who wouldn’t indulge?

Questions to consider

• Switch roles. You are now the narrator of this story:
  • Obesity is a major concern in America right now and you see your friend quickly headed in that direction.  What do you do?
  • Assume what you did is the same as the narrator.  Jaime seems to be offended by your attempts to help him, what do you do now?
  • How do you feel when your friend rejects all your help?
  • Could you remain friends with Jaime?
• Put yourself into Jaime’s shoes:
  • Your friend is constantly telling you what you are doing is wrong, how do you react?
  • You have a choice: Unlike in your home country, it is very easy to obtain meat; something you would only eat sparingly in your home country.  Do you lean toward meat or the more expensive vegetable products that you used to eat to make each meal go a little further?
  • How can you get your friend to stop telling you what you are doing is wrong?
• What does Jaime’s past work as a laborer have to do with this current situation?
• It is undoubtedly unhealthy for Jaime and his family to continue eating this way, how could you help Jaime, knowing what you do now, find a compromise between eating healthy and eating the things he was deprived of when he was younger?

Meet Jaime.  She’s a 45-year old, single mother of two.  Jaime emigrated, pregnant, 15 years ago from a southeastern Asian country to make a better life for herself, along with her husband and her 6-year old daughter, Jenny.  A few months after arriving in the United States, she gave birth to her son, Jim.  While life was initially difficult for Jaime and her family, she eventually managed to both hold a janitorial job and go to school to earn a degree in Information Technology.  Her efforts were hampered by her poor grasp of English and her heavy accent.  The work was difficult and stressful, the pay was horrible, and she never seemed to have time to rest or enjoy life with her family.  To top it all off, she had no one whom she could confide in; not even her husband.

Life hit another unexpected road bump when her marriage fell apart and she divorced from her husband shortly after graduating from college, 4-years later.  Suddenly single, her ex-husband a deadbeat dad who had (and to this day still has) little to no interaction with his children, and no relatives living nearby, Jaime was put into a difficult situation.  Her entry level wage at the IT firm where she worked was simply not enough.  After 2 years of barely scraping by, Jaime’s path was clear: She had to get a second job.  Unable to afford childcare given her living expenses, she relied on Jenny to take care of Jim while she was at work.  Jaime only briefly saw her children before rushing off to work every morning, having an hour or two to make and have dinner with her kids before rushing off to her second job in the evening, and came home long after her children had gone to sleep at night.  Still, Jaime persevered; rationalizing her efforts as “for the good of her children.”

Eventually, through years of hard work, Jaime reached a position at her IT firm where she no longer needed the income from her second job.  After quitting, she began to rebuild life with her children.  Jenny, now 13-years old, was able to enjoy her life as an adolescent now that Jim was older and her mother was around more often.  Family life quickly became rewarding for everyone.

Jaime was dead-set on making up for the years that she had lost with her children when she was overworked.  The family would have dinner every night and play board games together as often as possible.  Fridays were especially anticipated as Jaime made it a ritual to take her children out to eat.  During all these activities, Jaime always made sure to have conversations with her children regarding their days and lives.  For the most part, the children freely spoke about what was going on in their lives.  For years, Jaime and her children led an idyllic life and Jaime was ecstatic that her hard work paid off.   When Jenny was 18 (and headed off to college) and Jim 13 (getting ready to graduate from middle school), Jaime even found time to date again.  Two years after finding a (to Jaime), “nice, supportive man,” they moved in together, to another city.  This would only be the beginning of the changes Jaime and her family would face.

It was subtle, at first.  Jaime actually believed she was being paranoid, but after a while, it was unbearable.  Jim had changed; he was quiet, no long sharing his day with her.  To compound her worries, Jim also stopped bringing friends over or staying over at their houses from time to time like he used to.  She even got reports that he was late to school and even performed poorly on a test.  Where previous conversations about Jim’s day led to rich discussions and emotions, she now was met with indifference, monosyllabic responses, or the dreaded, “I guess.”  Jim always kept his head down and would often go to his room to play video games or chat online after doing his homework instead.

Jaime was confused.  What was wrong with her son?  Her daughter certainly never behaved this way.  She was always such a good child and shared her concerns with her mother; just like Jaime did with her mother back in her heritage country.  In fact, Jenny still to this day often held long conversations with her mother about the goings on of her life.  So why was Jim so different?  She asked her daughter for her opinion but Jenny too, was at a loss; just as concerned as her mother.  To Jenny, who grew up taking care of Jim, this now unresponsive brother of hers was completely alien.  Then one day, Jaime came upon a realization: It was her fault.  She had abandoned her child in his early life and now she had broken her son.   Jaime was devastated.

Jaime tried valiantly to fix things.  She would buy Jim the things she thought he’d like: The latest video games, nice clothes, expensive food, but still, nothing changed.  A rarity for her, she even began to take vacation time so that she could spend even more time with her son, but she was dismayed to find herself rebuked and driving Jim even further away from her.  Being very technically savvy, she looked up what she should do online, but discovered that she had already tried almost all the solutions the Internet offered.  Her boyfriend, likewise, also had no idea what to do as his attempts to spend time with Jim were always evaded.   He consoled Jaime as best he could, but she still worried.  Jaime was at her wits’ end.  She had broken her son and become a horrible mother.  And, to her, there was only one logical conclusion: She was a horrible person.   Fear and shame began to seep their way into her life and Jaime was afraid that others would find out what she had done, so she kept quiet in her despair; watching her son slip further and further away from her.

Debrief

This incarnation of Jaime has certainly had a difficult life.  Like many immigrants, she left her home looking for a better life for herself and her family.  Instead, she found several trials, difficulties, and emotional obstacles that threatened to tear her family apart.  The stress of a failed marriage, financial woes, working two jobs, and never seeing your family can have negative effects on anyone.  However, add in cultural factors and the situation becomes much more complicated.

Typically, Asian cultures take a more collectivistic stance.  In collectivist cultures, the family is one of the most important aspects of life.  Because of this, the image or honor of the family is also extremely important.  Any problems that may arise in the household are almost exclusively dealt with internally or by elder relatives.  While of course, not all Asian cultures conform to this notion, Jaime’s does.  But obviously there’s a problem with this: Jaime does not have any relatives she can count on.  Jaime is left working through her problems with her son on her own.  As her family structure is already off-kilter, Jaime finds she is ill-equipped to handle this issue, but does the best she can in hopes of restoring the harmony in her family.

In addition, consider not only the Asian cultural value, but also the American value placed upon the image of being a “good” or “bad” mother.  It is almost a universal concept that the mother holds the majority of the responsibility for raising their children properly.

A widely held societal and cultural belief can tend to have oppressive effects on people.  These sorts of beliefs essentially color the way we conduct our actions, for better or worse, and can lead us to make decisions that we know may not be the best option in order to save face.

Questions to consider

• Put yourself in Jaime’s shoes:
  • Your son suddenly stops talking to you, he’s behaving in a completely different way than your older daughter did at his age, what do you do?  How do you react?
  • Oh my!  You just broke your son!  What do you think about yourself?
  • Think about all the social stereotypes about bad mothering, would you want your son’s “damage” to be your fault?  Now add in what you’ve learned about social status from the earlier debrief and reconsider the question.
  • Using only the information that Jaime has, what’s your reaction to what’s going on with your son?
• Why is Jaime’s belief system causing her so much distress?
• What cultural values are in conflict?  Which ones are right?
• Why is Jenny’s role important?  Is it?
• Now, read the second part here

Jaime is very sociable and maintains a close relationship with a circle of friends that she has had since her middle school years.  Her education has been primarily done in the public school realm, with a brief stint in a private college.  After graduating, she traveled for a year to see the world by herself.  The entire time, she kept in touch with her family and friends via frequent updates at internet cafés.  She is a very artistic individual; often dabbling in hobbies that involve painting or design.

After she finished traveling, Jaime went back home to live with her parents.  Eventually, she would find a modestly paying job at a local company an hour’s commute away.  For the most part, nothing was really different than from when she was going to school.  Jaime began dating a nice young Asian American gentleman, but did not let her parents know.  She feared they would disapprove seeing as how they were already very strict with her just visiting her friends. Eventually Jaime began to feel dissatisfied with her current living conditions.  She had gotten used to her independent lifestyle from her traveling days.  Her parents made this dissatisfaction worse by regularly chastising her for the frequency and the length of time she would go out with her friends.  Things had to change.

With much consideration and discussion with her boyfriend, the couple decided to live together; away from their parents.  At first, she tried to keep her decision secret from her parents.  However, after an emotionally charged argument, she revealed her decision to move out.  Mr. and Mrs. Jaime were…not amused, to say the least.  This sparked a whole new set of arguments over a short period of time.  Her father was sure that his daughter was a “wild woman” and claimed he did not know where he went wrong in raising his daughter to turn out in such a way.  Her mother, in a betrayal-fueled moment, told Jaime that, “I wish I never gave birth to you!”  These words cut deeply and hurt Jaime more than she expected.  She didn’t think it was possible, but she was even more miserable than before.

Now, a problem arose for Jaime.  She had stated her intention to move out, her parents all but disowned her, conversations between family members was scarce, and she still didn’t have a new place to live.  Things were tense and Jaime found herself becoming more and more stressed and depressed as the days went by.  Things went on this way for a few weeks; never seeming to improve.  Finally though, the big day came and Jaime moved out to live with her boyfriend.  Away from her silent parents, Jaime began to feel the familiar sense of freedom that she experienced while she traveled abroad.  However, at the same time, there was a sense of grieving.  Her relationship with her parents, she knew, would never be the same again.

Debrief

We see it all the time in the media.  Many of us take it as a given ourselves.  When children hit 18, it is time for them to strike out on their own.  In commonly held mainstream cultural beliefs, it is almost seen as a failure that Jaime had not moved out at the ripe old age of 25.  Her parents should have been thrilled that she had finally left the nest.   But they weren’t.  Why was this?

Typically, in collectivist cultures such as Jaime’s, the child’s roles are very clearly defined.  There is also the notion of filial piety; a sense of duty and respect to ones parents and elders.  To Jaime’s parents, an ideal child should listen to their parents and show them deference and respect.  Furthermore, often children stay at home to help the family with their affairs until they are married.  It is also not unusual for the married children to remain at home until they are able to afford their own housing.  In the most traditional sense, what Jaime did was no short of an act of treason to the family state.

Questions to consider

• What’s your initial reaction to this story?
• Who do you side with: Jaime or her parents?
• How do you feel about the concept of filial piety?
• Put yourself in Jaime’s shoes:
  • Your parents expect you to stay home until you’re married, all of your friends have moved out and are living on their own, and to top it off, mainstream American society is telling you you’ve failed in some way to be still living at home.  To which value do you choose to adhere?
  • You’ve just told your parents you want to move out and they’ve all but told you that you have betrayed the family structure.  How does this make you feel?
  • Your parents allowed you to travel abroad, but they do not want you to live on your own.  Do you feel this is fair?
• Is their a place in mainstream (i.e. American) society for values that oppose each other?
• How would you make the decision about which values to follow?
• What would Jaime lose by choosing to follow mainstream culture?  What about her heritage culture?

At school, Jaime is an average student.  He passes all of his courses with relative little difficulty and immensely enjoys being with his friends.  He is not in any afterschool clubs or sports, preferring instead to go home after saying his farewells to his friends every day.  His friends are a very diverse bunch; spanning across multiple races and cultures.  Overall, Jaime feels he has nothing to complain about.

One day, Jaime decides to sit at one of his friends’ tables as he had to take a later lunch, due to a field trip earlier that day.  His friend is also a 15-year old male, we’ll call him Billy.  Billy had recently emigrated from China not more than three years ago and preferred to sit at a table with other children who had also recently emigrated from China.  Jaime quickly noticed that everyone at this table spoke Chinese to one another.  Knowing that his Chinese was not up to par, Jaime was too embarrassed to participate in the conversation and instead spoke to Billy, in English, about various things that high school boys tend to do.  One of the other boys at the table had suddenly interrupted their conversation and spoke harshly to Billy in Chinese.  The boy told Billy to make sure not to translate anything for Jaime.  If he wasn’t a “real” Chinese fellow, he didn’t deserve to know.  Jaime and Billy both stared in disbelief at this boy.  Being the outsider of the group, Jaime didn’t reveal that he could understand, but made sure to tell Billy that he knew what was just said later on.

This event, which lasted no more than 5 minutes, bothered Jaime for a very long time.  These people, whom he thought were his peers, told him he wasn’t Chinese.  Before this incident, he certainly felt Chinese.  He knew people who looked at him thought he was Chinese, but apparently he was not.  If he wasn’t Chinese, what was he?  Was he American?  Well, people who look at him certainly don’t call him American right off the bat.  They instead acknowledge him by the race he appears to be; Chinese.  But he according to that one child, he wasn’t Chinese either.  If he was not Chinese and was not American either, what was he?  What group did he belong to?  Who was he?  What was he?  He was both, but neither.  This thought plagued Jaime for many years.  He was always hesitant to join groups as he felt he didn’t really belong there.  He tried to deny his Chinese cultural heritage and conform to the mainstream American one.  Jaime would often be embarrassed by his Chinese heritage and traditions and always changed the subject when anyone asked him about some aspect of his culture.  They were interested but he decidedly, was not.  It all worked out rather well for Jaime, in his opinion.

Eventually, Jaime would graduate from high school, get away from that group of Chinese students who had such a profound effect on his life, and attend college.   However, the entire time, Jaime felt something was off about him.  Something was always missing.  Jaime grew tired of fielding questions about his heritage.  After all, he wasn’t Chinese; he was American, just like them!  He also tired of defending what few traditions he still clung to; such as consulting with his parents before making big decisions in his life or following the career path that his parents hoped he would.  More than once, he heard the phrase, “Well, tell them you’re in America now, and that’s just how we do things.”  He became frustrated of all of this and flipped on his cultural standpoint.  He was Chinese!   How dare they tell him to reject his culture?  Jaime would be resentful every time his friends would make these comments and eventually would withdraw even further from his friends and mainstream culture.

Debrief

Jaime’s story is a rather common one for first generation, bicultural adolescents.  They are at a stage of life where they are trying to find their place in life and in society.  Normally, the average teenager already struggles with the, “Who am I?” paradox; they ask themselves a bevy of questions such as: “Who am I,” “What place do I have in society,” and “What place do I have amongst my peers.”  Bicultural youth of minority backgrounds, such as Jaime, also have the more basic, foundation shaking question of, “What am I?” complicating the mix.

Answering these questions is difficult for any adolescent as mainstream society often pushes children to decide what they are to be in the future.  This is commonly heard in the seemingly innocent question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  With the possibility of attending college looming in the future, we often rush these developing individuals into making a choice relatively early on.  As doubtlessly many of us have seen, this can end disastrously as pushing an adolescent into making a decision can lead to apathy, rebellious behavior, or outright defiance.  The, “Who am I?” and “What place do I have amongst my peers?” questions are often answered as adolescents naturally move through their lives.  “What place do I have in society?” is often guided along by the career inventories, career counselors, real-world experience, and standardized tests often given to these teenagers in the latter years of high school.  But what assistance do adolescents who have to ask themselves, “What am I?” have?  The answer, from my experience, is very little.

The struggle of “What am I?” is what Jaime was made aware of when he sat at that table on that fateful day.  Political correctness would state that Jaime was Chinese American, but what does that really mean?  His Chinese peers would state that no, he was not Chinese, he was American.  And, on the other hand his other peers would tell him that no, he’s not American, he’s Chinese.  He has people telling him that he was both but neither—that while he may be Chinese, he was not and while he may be American, he also, was not.  Both but not really; it almost sounds like the set up for a cheesy drama, doesn’t it?  Unfortunately, there are few resources in place to help adolescents, who are stuck pondering this question, out.

Questions to Consider

• Put yourself into Jaime’s shoes:
  • How would you feel if someone told you, that you did not belong to any of your cultures?
  • What do you imagine would have been different had Jaime spoken up to that teenager who tried to exclude him from the group?
  • How would you feel being around the Jaime who was just entering college?  What about the Jaime at the end of the story?
  • What would be the ideal outcome for Jaime?
  • A much more uncomfortable question to consider, what is the most likely outcome for Jaime?
  • Rank these in order of what you feel are in order of least beneficial to most beneficial (one of them should be fairly obvious!):
    • Rejecting his Chinese culture, accepting the mainstream American culture
    • Rejecting both cultures
    • Rejecting American culture and accepting his Chinese culture
    • Accepting both cultures
    • How could someone help Jaime answer the question of, “What am I?”
    • Why is the basic question of, “What am I?” so devastating?