Growing up, Jaime’s friends and acquaintances were rarely Asian.  As his parents were busy running their business and providing for Jaime and his siblings, he was often left in the care of afterschool programs or child caretakers.  Jaime was always a bit shy, which was part of the reason the life of a librarian appealed so much to him.  It wasn’t so much that Jaime didn’t like being around people, quite the opposite actually, but he simply didn’t feel as if he belonged in the social situations in which he found himself.  One occasion he remembered quite clearly was at his university’s anniversary gala.  He felt obliged to come, but spent the entire night hovering around by himself and trying to blend in with the walls.  This was difficult, of course, as he was the only Asian person there who wasn’t working as one of the caterers.  To make matters worse, he kept dreading the possibility of one of the faculty mistaking him for a member of the help which only served to ramp his anxiety up.  He didn’t want to embarrass anyone else, after all.  During his wanderings, he would overhear various conversations about politics, religion, or even the finer points of French cuisine.  While some of the topics they spoke of were of interest to him, he did not join the conversations as he felt he would be intruding. This event only solidified his resolve not to involve himself with the larger crowd.

Jaime imagined that to an outsider, his life was very dull.  And he would whole-heartedly agree.  After all, other than those occasional parties, Jaime never did much else in his spare time.  The anxiety of being around people who were so unlike him prevented Jaime from branching out from the sanctuary that was his library. Though feelings of obligation kept him going to university-sponsored events, he rarely participated beyond indulging in whatever fare the coordinators provided for the attendees.  This all changed one day though, when a professor from the student development program approached him at a fundraiser.

The fundraiser was meant to create a scholarship for disadvantaged youth.  George, an Asian American, first-generation, immigrant, headed the program.  Not more than half-an-hour after the fundraiser began, George introduced himself to Jaime.  “I was starting to feel isolated in here!” George gushed, “I’m glad you’re here so I’m not completely alone.”  It took Jaime a second to get over the shock that someone had actually engaged him in conversation (the thought, “My defenses need some work,” briefly flashed through his mind).  George was a strong advocate for Asian American youth and asked Jaime about his experience as a member of the community as he was growing up.  Scrabbling for a proper response, Jaime realized that he couldn’t really remember a time when he actually gave his heritage culture a second thought.  Yes, he knew he was different, but he had assumed it was all due to his skin color and the shape of his eyes.  Being used to this reaction, George let Jaime off the hook and began talking about his own experiences in more detail.  Strangely enough, as George spoke about his own life, Jaime couldn’t help but feel that this random stranger was talking about his own.  Jaime found himself enjoying his conversation with George.  As the event came to its presentation portion, George was pulled away.  However, before he left, he invited Jaime to attend a social mixer that his group was having in a few weeks.

Initially, Jaime was not planning to go.  History had taught him that he would just be uncomfortable, so why bother going?  He wasn’t obliged to go as this wasn’t a university event.  It was just a social event being held by someone he met at a fundraiser.  As the day of the mixer came up, Jaime found that he was waffling over whether or not he should go.  He didn’t want to be uncomfortable and anxious, but recalled his conversation with George and how much he enjoyed being able to relate to another person.  That decided it for him; he would go to the mixer, chat with George for a while, head home again stating that he had, “An early day,” the next day, and it’d be all good.  Silly Jaime, as if plans ever worked out that well in real life.

The mixer started off innocuously enough.  It was at a trendy gastropub in one of the more youth-oriented districts of his city.  However, as soon as Jaime stepped through the door, he noticed something was different.  Asians–They were…everywhere.  There were a few White folks of course, but the vast majority of the people were Asians and Asian Americans.  This was very different from the kinds of events he was used to attending; where he was isolated as different in a crowd of many.  Instead, he was just another face in the crowd.  He blended in!  He could avoid talking to people and no one would notice…but—but he didn’t want to.  Rather than the feeling of anxiety that he was so familiar with, Jaime felt a strange sense of comfort blanket him instead.  As the night wore on, Jaime found himself speaking with several people about his work, his interests, and sharing “war stories” about growing up Asian in America.  Inevitably, the mixer came to a close and Jaime found he was surprised that he had been there the entire night.  At some point, George had come over and introduced Jaime to several of his friends when he realized the group was breaking up for the night.  He thanked Jaime for coming to the mixer and hoped that he would come to future ones; a sentiment reflected by several other people that he had been chatting with all night.  For perhaps the first time he could remember, Jaime didn’t think that was such a bad idea at all.

Debrief

Many people are quite unaware of the effect culture and race has on them (which is the broad, overall theme of these stories!).  In a situation where multiple races and cultures coexist with one another, it can be difficult when some member or group is distinct in some way.  In short, people who stick out can have it rough.  The effects of sticking out versus fitting in may not be entirely blatant or obvious.  Often times it’s very subtle.  A person may subtly try to imitate the larger group so as to better blend in.  Others may try to do the complete opposite and put on grand displays; relishing in their individuality.  And others still, hover in the middle somewhat; not really trying to fit in, but not really trying to stand out either.  Our man Jaime from this story, most decidedly belongs to this last group.

Try to imagine, if you will, a scale that ranges from 1 to 10.  At the lower end of the scale we have “Sticks out like a pretzel in a box of cookies.”  On the opposite end, we have “Blends in like a Skittle in a bag of M&Ms.” As you get closer to pretzel territory, negative effects are more likely to occur.  In Jaime’s case, a case of social anxiety emerged.  He has a desire to fit in, but is unsure how to do so as he knows that he will always stick out due to factors beyond his control.

Questions to Consider:

• Not fitting in can have very negative effects on an individual, but can there be positive effects as well?
• What are the effects (positive and negative, both) of being able to fit in?
• Put yourself in Jaime’s shoes:
  • Why do you continue to go to social events, even though you know they make you uncomfortable?
  • How has attending private schools your entire life affected you?
  • How do you feel about yourself given the careers your siblings have chosen for themselves?
  • Suddenly you find yourself in a situation where you don’t stick out.  What’s going on in that head of yours?
  • What is the significance of being enrolled in private schools for Jaime?
  • Why is it important that Jaime was able to share stories about growing up Bicultural?

Because of her almost non-existent accent and European descent, no one ever considered that Jaime was an immigrant. Everyone treated her like they would any of their other friends. Sure, they thought Jaime had some odd beliefs and habits and sure, she preferred to dress herself conservatively, often in plain dresses and with very little makeup, but they wrote it off to individuality. To them, Jaime obviously didn’t know better and needed some gentle guidance to be more “normal,” which they were all to happy to provide. This upset Jaime. After all, the people she saw as peers were so easily dismissing her values and beliefs as mere personality quirks. One day, Jaime had tried to explain to her friends that she was not American, like they believed and instead she hailed from a European country with a rich history and culture of its own. This didn’t work out quite the way Jaime had hoped as her friends all chimed in that their ancestors were also European and thus the norm continued.

Eventually, Jaime would graduate from high school. Being quite studious, she was easily admitted into a local university, though could not get any scholarships and had to rely on student loans. Jaime’s friends were also admitted to her university.  Deciding to live on-campus with two of her closest friends, Jaime’s life as an adult had begun.

Life independent of her mother was very different for Jaime. Living with her friends was nice, she supposed. It got her away from her mother whom she felt was overbearing and overprotective. After a few quarters though, Jaime noticed that her grades were beginning to slip and she was having difficulty keeping her temper in check. She also noticed that living with her friends wasn’t as nice as she thought it’d be. Her friends would often invite their boyfriends to stay overnight with them. This made Jaime very uncomfortable as to her the sorts of behavior were very scandalous in her country of origin, but she didn’t dare speak out, since her roommates were apparently okay with the way things were and was quite normal if the other women on television were of any indication. Jaime herself had a boyfriend, but she would never dare to do the things her friends would; it just wasn’t proper after all.

As time moved on, Jaime found herself comparing her life in the US with the one she led and would hear about when she was in her home country. These comparisons only served to make Jaime more miserable and often she vented and raged to her mother about it. Her mother was appalled at her roommates’ behavior and told Jaime quite bluntly what she thought of them. For some reason, even though Jaime agreed, this only served to anger her further and she often shouted at her mother for saying such things about her friends.

The stress that Jaime continued to build and build as the days went by. It seemed she was on a hair trigger, these days, and would snap at the smallest perceived slight against her. Jaime found herself dreading her weekly calls or visits to her mother as they would inevitably fight and argue with one another. Jaime soon found herself extremely anxious all the time.  She noticed that everyday, when she looked in the mirror, that she could not recognize the person who looked so sadly back at her.

Debrief

This Jaime’s case is an interesting one as she does not quite conform to what people typically perceive as someone who is bicultural. Why is this? One explanation is perhaps because we are highly sensory-dependent creatures. We rely on our primary senses to tell us information about the world around us. The classic idiom of, “If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck,” is perhaps the best way to conceptualize this notion. Our senses take in information amazingly quickly. And, perhaps just as quickly, we compare what our senses tell us to situations we have encountered in the past and decide what to do. In this case, we see young Jaime: a young Caucasian woman who by all respects, could blend into a crowd of other Caucasian adults with little issue. Certainly Jaime’s friends didn’t see anything outlandishly different about her and treated her just like they would with any of their other friends. And yet, this still upset her.

Jaime’s changed behavior is also something worth noting. Although unintentional, Jaime’s heritage culture was being challenged. The mainstream culture did not acknowledge her diversity and chose instead to define her as a just another “duck.” Her friends also treated her just as they would anyone else, but why did this upset her? Overall, the current belief is that it is better for us to treat all races equally, and Jaime was given a leg up on this as her appearance and accent allowed her to blend in almost perfectly; yet she was still disturbed and upset by all of this.

Questions to Consider

• Put yourself into Jaime’s shoes:
  • Why is Jaime having such a difficult time being treated as an equal?
  • Think of a core belief that you have; one that you hold to be dear and true. Got it? Good, now imagine yourself in a situation where everyone around you saw it as a quirk. How would you react?
  • Why would Jaime get angry at her mother for agreeing with the decision she herself had made about her friends?

• Imagine you met Jaime. Here’s this woman who looks just like any young, White, American woman does, speaks just like any other American would, but behaves subtly different than any other American would. What would your reaction to her be?
  • Now Jaime has told you she emigrated from a European country in her teens, what would be different?
  • A question asked in the debrief is worth reconsideration: Why do you think Jaime was upset her friends treated her as an equal?
  • There’s a term out there that’s generally called “color-blindness.” Now this isn’t color-blindness as in the physical condition, but essentially states that all races should be treated equally. While this is a noble theory, why doesn’t this work as well in today’s society?

Let’s see, where to start.  Well, let me tell you more about Jaime.  Jaime is roughly my age, about 28—maybe 30 at the most.  I never stopped to ask, it doesn’t seem that important.  We work together in a branch office of one of those big, faceless corporations.  I’m in charge of proofing documents; a real snore.  Jaime does a lot of the filing and data entry for our department.  I asked Jaime once if he did something like this back home.  His response was that he did something similar only without the desk, the computers, and with a lot more fishing and scaling instead.  A real cut-up this guy.  I’m getting off-track again.  Like I mentioned earlier, I met Jaime only a few years after he immigrated.  I was really taken by surprise when I learned this as Jaime didn’t seem to have any problems fitting into our culture at all.  He just kept his nose to the grindstone and did his job.  I can’t really think of anything else that you need to know about Jaime, so I’ll get on with this story.  I bet you’re about to nod off anyway!

When I first met Jaime, he was a real normal looking guy.   No wait.  That came out wrong.  He was skinny you know?  Not fat at all.  But recently, he’s been getting…let’s say, “Chubby,” for lack of a better term.  I’d love to say that it was a surprise, but I sort of always expected this to happen.  Why?  Because Jaime is a meat-eater—that man loves him some beef and chicken.  He also tends to eat out a lot at burger joints and the local fried chicken joint.  I’m actually not too surprised at his choice in venues.  As far as I can tell, Jaime lives alone and probably doesn’t know how to cook.  Actually I’m sure he doesn’t know how to cook.  I still have nightmares about that time we convinced him to man the grill at the last company picnic.  Those poor birds.  Um, but anyway, back to the problem at hand.  I’m not even sure if I should keep pursuing this issue, but I’m afraid he’s getting caught up in America’s obesity problem.  Jaime looks perfectly happy about what he eats so, maybe I shouldn’t say anything.  Still, given where Americans as a whole are going, I don’t want Jaime’s family’s first impression of their “Americanized” son to be of a wheezing, obese one.

I tried being real subtle at first; I know I wouldn’t want anyone to be in my face about something like this.  Maybe it’s a language thing; I’m not sure, because I always felt my attempts to hint at his poor diet choices to be brushed off.  I think he understands what I’m trying to say.  I mean, he’s a smart guy and never has any problems doing his work, after all.  But sometimes it’s like we’re speaking different languages, you know?  I say stuff, he nods , but I can’t be sure if he actually hears what I’m saying.  I know what you’re going to say: “Stop being subtle then!”  Well I tried that too, it didn’t work out so well.  I think I was too pushy because Jaime doesn’t seem to want to talk to me as much anymore.  He also has stopped eating lunch with me.  I would’ve thought he stopped eating lunch altogether, but I often see the remains of his latest foray to the nearby burger joint in his trash bin.  I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.  What did I do?  Well I tried to get him to eat more salads one time—when I took him out to lunch.  He just balked at the price of salads and ordered the sausage brunch special instead.  I tried showing him brown rice, but I think I may as well have kicked a puppy with the look of horror he gave me after trying some.  I even tried being blunt and told him that he should ease up on the red meat.  He just gave me another one of those smiles and nods and well, let’s just say I don’t think I had any impact on his eating habits.

It’s real frustrating for me, you know?  I mean, I thought we were friends—that we’d help each other out.  I know he helps me whenever I need a hand and I really appreciate that.  But he just doesn’t seem to appreciate my help.  I may as well be talking to a brick wall for all the effect I’ve had on him!  Sorry, I should stop ranting now.  It’s just, I find myself resenting Jaime a bit for ignoring my advice like this.  I’m trying to help him be healthier here.  I don’t know.  What do you think?  Should I just drop the issue?  I’d feel awful though if Jaime develops health problems in the future though.  If I keep pushing, I feel as if we wouldn’t be friends anymore.  I’m just not sure what to do.

Debrief

So what’s going on with Jaime and his friend?  Certainly it seems reasonable to be concerned about a friend’s eating habits; especially if it is leading them down the path of poor health.  But why is Jaime so adamant in not eating healthier?  Of course there are countless reasons and possibilities for this behavior, but this being a series of bicultural stories, we’ll go with that one for the time being.  And please do keep in mind that this is only one of many possible explanations for a situation that Jaime’s friend is facing.

What we have here is a difference in values on the cultural level.  In many countries across the world, the resource that we call food has different implications depending on where you are.   In Jaime’s case, as in the case of many other immigrants, his heritage culture places a high value on meat.  In many countries, meat is seen as a luxury; a sign of wealth.  You know you’ve made it big if you can put meat on the table every day.  What do you do to celebrate significant events?  You spend a little extra on meat to serve your guests, of course!  But on a day-to-day basis, only a small amount of meat is served; usually alongside plenty of grains (such as rice) and vegetables.  This is quite healthy, you say?  But of course!  But health isn’t usually the only purpose of the vegetation and grains.

Instead, these things are usually served to make the meal a little more filling—to make the meat go a little further.  Needless to say then, is that products such as beef or poultry are often relatively expensive compared to vegetables in many countries.  On the other hand, vegetables are often very inexpensive as they are quick to grow and can even be grown in the back yard in a pinch.  Cut to America where almost the opposite is true.   Here, meats and vegetables are equally easy to come by.  However, with exception for the prime cuts of beef, meat, pound-for-pound, cost about the same as vegetables in the grocery store.  In fact, sometimes vegetables can cost more than meat (I can think of no better example than the recent trend to consume dandelion greens).  Suddenly, vegetables become relatively expensive and meat relatively inexpensive in comparison.  Thus, having meat on the table everyday becomes a reality.  This does not include fast food restaurants (where you can get a burger for a buck and some change, what a value!) and other luxuries such as desserts and candies.  Suddenly you’re in a place where all those things denied to you are readily available.  Who wouldn’t indulge?

Questions to consider

• Switch roles. You are now the narrator of this story:
  • Obesity is a major concern in America right now and you see your friend quickly headed in that direction.  What do you do?
  • Assume what you did is the same as the narrator.  Jaime seems to be offended by your attempts to help him, what do you do now?
  • How do you feel when your friend rejects all your help?
  • Could you remain friends with Jaime?
• Put yourself into Jaime’s shoes:
  • Your friend is constantly telling you what you are doing is wrong, how do you react?
  • You have a choice: Unlike in your home country, it is very easy to obtain meat; something you would only eat sparingly in your home country.  Do you lean toward meat or the more expensive vegetable products that you used to eat to make each meal go a little further?
  • How can you get your friend to stop telling you what you are doing is wrong?
• What does Jaime’s past work as a laborer have to do with this current situation?
• It is undoubtedly unhealthy for Jaime and his family to continue eating this way, how could you help Jaime, knowing what you do now, find a compromise between eating healthy and eating the things he was deprived of when he was younger?

“Tell me, what you think I should do?”

The decision in question was far from life or death in nature.  The statement behind it spoke out loud and clear:

“I’m just, so confused.”

But it caused a lot of stress and anxiety.  It was caused by one thought:

“I don’t know what to do.”

The question and thoughts paralyzed him; stopping him from making the simplest of decisions.

Meet Jaime.  Jaime is in his late teens and is in his second year of college.  He is the eldest child of immigrant parents with his younger sister being his only sibling.  His parents worked hard to make sure that Jaime and his sister would always have food and a warm home. He was born in a metropolitan hospital; there was nothing abnormal about the birth.  In fact, you could say there was nothing abnormal about the majority of Jaime’s life at all.

Like many children, Jaime had a brief period where he would find himself exhibiting rebellious behavior.  It was during his middle school when Jaime would have a close call with the law.  In an attempt to fit in with a group of his peers, Jaime was almost arrested for vandalism.  He was let off with a warning however, when it was obvious that Jaime had not actually participated in any misdeeds.  Jaime took this warning to heart and would from then on try his best to stay out of trouble.   When questioned, Jaime supposed that he simply got his rebellious phase out of the way early.

Jaime had always been an energetic person and naturally drew others to him.  He quickly emerged as a leader and would always seem to be driven to succeed.  One activity Jaime got heavily involved with during high school was writing.  It happened during an assignment to write a short story for class.  Though the assignment was only for a 5-page story, Jaime ended up writing 32.  He just couldn’t stop himself.  After that, Jaime would join most of the clubs at school that involved writing and was fairly happy.  He had fun in his clubs, had many friends to hang out with, and it was smooth sailing.  Yes, by most definitions of the word, Jaime’s early life was very “normal.”

Jaime is the first person in his entire family to have a chance at earning a degree.  His parents are very proud of him for this accomplishment.  Jaime himself was very grateful to his parents for the opportunity.  He realized that his parents had worked very hard to save up the money necessary to send him to college and that they had passed up on several of their own needs to make sure this would happen.  This was from where Jaime’s drive to succeed came.  He wanted to be successful not only to make his parents proud, but also to be able to give them the things that they sacrificed to get him to where he is today.  College started normally enough.  Jaime was still driven and did quite well in his classes.  Of course, it wasn’t all easy.  He was going to be a doctor and by his second year, seemed to be a shoe-in for the pre-med program at his university.  He had never had a head for the sciences, which were a prerequisite for the pre-med program, and it was difficult for him to grasp the course content.  Jaime kept his head down though and made up for his difficulty understanding with hard work.  As previously mentioned, Jaime’s work paid off and he did very well in his classes.  But things began to change.

It was so subtle, that even Jaime and his friends did not realize it was happening.  In fact, it wasn’t until Jaime almost failed one of his classes did it come to light.  Looking back, Jaime noticed that after being told he was almost assured to be admitted to the pre-med program, that his grades had begun to slip.  It was a very slow progression; a point or two here, a late assignment or almost missing classes there.  Jaime’s friends also noted that his personality had changed.  Gone was the confident and driven Jaime that they had all known and loved.  He would have trouble making simple decisions: Which classes he wanted to take next term, where he wanted to go for lunch, which movie he wanted to see during the weekend.  First came hesitation.  But hesitation soon gave way to indecision and indecision soon gave way to something much worse.  Jaime described the sensation as, “I felt like I was paralyzed,” and “The choices were there, but I was so scared to make a decision either way, so I just put it off.”

Jaime was a bright kid.  He realized that all of this happened when med school stopped being just a dream.  He thought long and hard and talked about it with his friends.    What they found was that Jaime just was not passionate about becoming a doctor.  The hours, the stress, and the responsibility were simply not things that he wanted in his life.  Instead, what he enjoyed much more was being a writer.  He loved to write: Stories, articles, blog posts, everything that had to do with the written word, he was passionate about.  This was partially the reason why he was so unhappy with his current educational tract.  Because he had to work so much harder than his peers to get into the highly competitive pre-med program, he simply did not have any time to write.  His friends agreed that he was a wonderful writer and encouraged him to follow his dream.  Yet, despite knowing that his friends supported him and that this was what he truly wanted to do, the paralysis kept him from moving forward with it.  After all, it was difficult to be successful as a writer.  What about his parents?  They were so proud when he announced that he was going to become a doctor and told all their friends their son was going to be a doctor!  And, let us not forget the sacrifices they made to give him the chance to do so!  How could he disappoint them?  How could he go back on his promise to himself to provide those things they gave up on with his salary as a physician?

It was a normal day when it happened.  Jaime was ordering lunch and stood before the menu, holding up the line.  He couldn’t it.  He just couldn’t make a decision and turning, desperately asked his friends, “Tell me, what do you think I should do?”

Debrief

What happens to Jaime in this particular story can, and often does, happen to anyone.  We all certainly feel the pressures to succeed, whether it is the cultural expectation of the world around us or our families telling us to do so.  While this particular Jaime’s parents were immigrants, I’d like you to keep in mind that this situation happens regardless of how much our multiple cultures align or contrast with each other.

In this Meet Jaime, our protagonist finds himself having difficulty making simple decisions.  This is a common symptom in those who are stuck in this kind of situation.  Jaime has to make a choice.  At surface level, this choice seems to be a simple one: Follow his dreams of being a writer and be happier, or continue on the path toward the medicinal field where he will be much less likely to find happiness.  However, if we look closer, the choice becomes more complicated.  Does he choose his own happiness?  Or does he instead honor his parents’ sacrifices and make them happy?  If he chooses his own happiness, will he be truly happy knowing that he was “selfish” enough to choose himself over his parents?  On the other hand, by choosing his parents’ happiness over his own, will he be resentful of them after he is deep into his career path?  Furthermore, if he makes himself unhappy, will his parents be happy knowing he is not?  You can see how the questions can endlessly stack and stack.  It is no wonder that this sort of decisive paralysis can occur!  It is a situation where there seems to be no “right” answer.  Regardless of what Jaime chooses, it seems inevitable that the compromising or sacrificing the well-being of the other party must be made.

On a cultural note, what part does Jaime’s parents’ status as immigrants play in this complicated situation?  When working with people who have immigrated, a popular question that is often missed is why they had originally emigrated from their home in the first place.  If everything is going well at home, it is very unlikely that a person would simply uproot their family and move to a foreign one where their values, coping mechanisms, and friends are no longer available to them.  One of the most common answers to this question of why, is that they are seeking out a better life for their family.  Their children are often not told of this and it takes an incredible amount of self-awareness on the part of the child to realize that this is what happened.  This iteration of Jaime is one such example of a self-aware child.  However, because of this realization to him, he is ultimately trapped between his desires for a happy life, following his dreams, and the guilt of betraying all the efforts his parents’ exerted to get him to where he is today.

Questions to consider

• Who’s at fault for Jaime’s misery?
• Put yourself in Jaime’s shoes:
  • You have to set aside your dreams to meet your parents expectations, how do you feel?
  • You’re entering a career path which you know you’ll hate, but it will not only give your parents pride, but also provide you with the income to make their lives (and sacrifices) worthwhile, how do you put on a brave face?
  • You set aside a lot of your desires for your family’s sake, what effect does that have on you?  Which negative emotions pop up?  Which positive ones?
  • Are Jaime’s parents neglectful parents?
  • In the story, Jaime never tells his parents what his dreams are, how would things be different if he did?
  • What role does being the eldest sibling play in the development of this story?
  • Let’s say he did tell his parents his dreams, how do you think they’ll react?

Meet Jaime.  She’s a 45-year old, single mother of two.  Jaime emigrated, pregnant, 15 years ago from a southeastern Asian country to make a better life for herself, along with her husband and her 6-year old daughter, Jenny.  A few months after arriving in the United States, she gave birth to her son, Jim.  While life was initially difficult for Jaime and her family, she eventually managed to both hold a janitorial job and go to school to earn a degree in Information Technology.  Her efforts were hampered by her poor grasp of English and her heavy accent.  The work was difficult and stressful, the pay was horrible, and she never seemed to have time to rest or enjoy life with her family.  To top it all off, she had no one whom she could confide in; not even her husband.

Life hit another unexpected road bump when her marriage fell apart and she divorced from her husband shortly after graduating from college, 4-years later.  Suddenly single, her ex-husband a deadbeat dad who had (and to this day still has) little to no interaction with his children, and no relatives living nearby, Jaime was put into a difficult situation.  Her entry level wage at the IT firm where she worked was simply not enough.  After 2 years of barely scraping by, Jaime’s path was clear: She had to get a second job.  Unable to afford childcare given her living expenses, she relied on Jenny to take care of Jim while she was at work.  Jaime only briefly saw her children before rushing off to work every morning, having an hour or two to make and have dinner with her kids before rushing off to her second job in the evening, and came home long after her children had gone to sleep at night.  Still, Jaime persevered; rationalizing her efforts as “for the good of her children.”

Eventually, through years of hard work, Jaime reached a position at her IT firm where she no longer needed the income from her second job.  After quitting, she began to rebuild life with her children.  Jenny, now 13-years old, was able to enjoy her life as an adolescent now that Jim was older and her mother was around more often.  Family life quickly became rewarding for everyone.

Jaime was dead-set on making up for the years that she had lost with her children when she was overworked.  The family would have dinner every night and play board games together as often as possible.  Fridays were especially anticipated as Jaime made it a ritual to take her children out to eat.  During all these activities, Jaime always made sure to have conversations with her children regarding their days and lives.  For the most part, the children freely spoke about what was going on in their lives.  For years, Jaime and her children led an idyllic life and Jaime was ecstatic that her hard work paid off.   When Jenny was 18 (and headed off to college) and Jim 13 (getting ready to graduate from middle school), Jaime even found time to date again.  Two years after finding a (to Jaime), “nice, supportive man,” they moved in together, to another city.  This would only be the beginning of the changes Jaime and her family would face.

It was subtle, at first.  Jaime actually believed she was being paranoid, but after a while, it was unbearable.  Jim had changed; he was quiet, no long sharing his day with her.  To compound her worries, Jim also stopped bringing friends over or staying over at their houses from time to time like he used to.  She even got reports that he was late to school and even performed poorly on a test.  Where previous conversations about Jim’s day led to rich discussions and emotions, she now was met with indifference, monosyllabic responses, or the dreaded, “I guess.”  Jim always kept his head down and would often go to his room to play video games or chat online after doing his homework instead.

Jaime was confused.  What was wrong with her son?  Her daughter certainly never behaved this way.  She was always such a good child and shared her concerns with her mother; just like Jaime did with her mother back in her heritage country.  In fact, Jenny still to this day often held long conversations with her mother about the goings on of her life.  So why was Jim so different?  She asked her daughter for her opinion but Jenny too, was at a loss; just as concerned as her mother.  To Jenny, who grew up taking care of Jim, this now unresponsive brother of hers was completely alien.  Then one day, Jaime came upon a realization: It was her fault.  She had abandoned her child in his early life and now she had broken her son.   Jaime was devastated.

Jaime tried valiantly to fix things.  She would buy Jim the things she thought he’d like: The latest video games, nice clothes, expensive food, but still, nothing changed.  A rarity for her, she even began to take vacation time so that she could spend even more time with her son, but she was dismayed to find herself rebuked and driving Jim even further away from her.  Being very technically savvy, she looked up what she should do online, but discovered that she had already tried almost all the solutions the Internet offered.  Her boyfriend, likewise, also had no idea what to do as his attempts to spend time with Jim were always evaded.   He consoled Jaime as best he could, but she still worried.  Jaime was at her wits’ end.  She had broken her son and become a horrible mother.  And, to her, there was only one logical conclusion: She was a horrible person.   Fear and shame began to seep their way into her life and Jaime was afraid that others would find out what she had done, so she kept quiet in her despair; watching her son slip further and further away from her.

Debrief

This incarnation of Jaime has certainly had a difficult life.  Like many immigrants, she left her home looking for a better life for herself and her family.  Instead, she found several trials, difficulties, and emotional obstacles that threatened to tear her family apart.  The stress of a failed marriage, financial woes, working two jobs, and never seeing your family can have negative effects on anyone.  However, add in cultural factors and the situation becomes much more complicated.

Typically, Asian cultures take a more collectivistic stance.  In collectivist cultures, the family is one of the most important aspects of life.  Because of this, the image or honor of the family is also extremely important.  Any problems that may arise in the household are almost exclusively dealt with internally or by elder relatives.  While of course, not all Asian cultures conform to this notion, Jaime’s does.  But obviously there’s a problem with this: Jaime does not have any relatives she can count on.  Jaime is left working through her problems with her son on her own.  As her family structure is already off-kilter, Jaime finds she is ill-equipped to handle this issue, but does the best she can in hopes of restoring the harmony in her family.

In addition, consider not only the Asian cultural value, but also the American value placed upon the image of being a “good” or “bad” mother.  It is almost a universal concept that the mother holds the majority of the responsibility for raising their children properly.

A widely held societal and cultural belief can tend to have oppressive effects on people.  These sorts of beliefs essentially color the way we conduct our actions, for better or worse, and can lead us to make decisions that we know may not be the best option in order to save face.

Questions to consider

• Put yourself in Jaime’s shoes:
  • Your son suddenly stops talking to you, he’s behaving in a completely different way than your older daughter did at his age, what do you do?  How do you react?
  • Oh my!  You just broke your son!  What do you think about yourself?
  • Think about all the social stereotypes about bad mothering, would you want your son’s “damage” to be your fault?  Now add in what you’ve learned about social status from the earlier debrief and reconsider the question.
  • Using only the information that Jaime has, what’s your reaction to what’s going on with your son?
• Why is Jaime’s belief system causing her so much distress?
• What cultural values are in conflict?  Which ones are right?
• Why is Jenny’s role important?  Is it?
• Now, read the second part here

Jaime is very sociable and maintains a close relationship with a circle of friends that she has had since her middle school years.  Her education has been primarily done in the public school realm, with a brief stint in a private college.  After graduating, she traveled for a year to see the world by herself.  The entire time, she kept in touch with her family and friends via frequent updates at internet cafés.  She is a very artistic individual; often dabbling in hobbies that involve painting or design.

After she finished traveling, Jaime went back home to live with her parents.  Eventually, she would find a modestly paying job at a local company an hour’s commute away.  For the most part, nothing was really different than from when she was going to school.  Jaime began dating a nice young Asian American gentleman, but did not let her parents know.  She feared they would disapprove seeing as how they were already very strict with her just visiting her friends. Eventually Jaime began to feel dissatisfied with her current living conditions.  She had gotten used to her independent lifestyle from her traveling days.  Her parents made this dissatisfaction worse by regularly chastising her for the frequency and the length of time she would go out with her friends.  Things had to change.

With much consideration and discussion with her boyfriend, the couple decided to live together; away from their parents.  At first, she tried to keep her decision secret from her parents.  However, after an emotionally charged argument, she revealed her decision to move out.  Mr. and Mrs. Jaime were…not amused, to say the least.  This sparked a whole new set of arguments over a short period of time.  Her father was sure that his daughter was a “wild woman” and claimed he did not know where he went wrong in raising his daughter to turn out in such a way.  Her mother, in a betrayal-fueled moment, told Jaime that, “I wish I never gave birth to you!”  These words cut deeply and hurt Jaime more than she expected.  She didn’t think it was possible, but she was even more miserable than before.

Now, a problem arose for Jaime.  She had stated her intention to move out, her parents all but disowned her, conversations between family members was scarce, and she still didn’t have a new place to live.  Things were tense and Jaime found herself becoming more and more stressed and depressed as the days went by.  Things went on this way for a few weeks; never seeming to improve.  Finally though, the big day came and Jaime moved out to live with her boyfriend.  Away from her silent parents, Jaime began to feel the familiar sense of freedom that she experienced while she traveled abroad.  However, at the same time, there was a sense of grieving.  Her relationship with her parents, she knew, would never be the same again.

Debrief

We see it all the time in the media.  Many of us take it as a given ourselves.  When children hit 18, it is time for them to strike out on their own.  In commonly held mainstream cultural beliefs, it is almost seen as a failure that Jaime had not moved out at the ripe old age of 25.  Her parents should have been thrilled that she had finally left the nest.   But they weren’t.  Why was this?

Typically, in collectivist cultures such as Jaime’s, the child’s roles are very clearly defined.  There is also the notion of filial piety; a sense of duty and respect to ones parents and elders.  To Jaime’s parents, an ideal child should listen to their parents and show them deference and respect.  Furthermore, often children stay at home to help the family with their affairs until they are married.  It is also not unusual for the married children to remain at home until they are able to afford their own housing.  In the most traditional sense, what Jaime did was no short of an act of treason to the family state.

Questions to consider

• What’s your initial reaction to this story?
• Who do you side with: Jaime or her parents?
• How do you feel about the concept of filial piety?
• Put yourself in Jaime’s shoes:
  • Your parents expect you to stay home until you’re married, all of your friends have moved out and are living on their own, and to top it off, mainstream American society is telling you you’ve failed in some way to be still living at home.  To which value do you choose to adhere?
  • You’ve just told your parents you want to move out and they’ve all but told you that you have betrayed the family structure.  How does this make you feel?
  • Your parents allowed you to travel abroad, but they do not want you to live on your own.  Do you feel this is fair?
• Is their a place in mainstream (i.e. American) society for values that oppose each other?
• How would you make the decision about which values to follow?
• What would Jaime lose by choosing to follow mainstream culture?  What about her heritage culture?

At school, Jaime is an average student.  He passes all of his courses with relative little difficulty and immensely enjoys being with his friends.  He is not in any afterschool clubs or sports, preferring instead to go home after saying his farewells to his friends every day.  His friends are a very diverse bunch; spanning across multiple races and cultures.  Overall, Jaime feels he has nothing to complain about.

One day, Jaime decides to sit at one of his friends’ tables as he had to take a later lunch, due to a field trip earlier that day.  His friend is also a 15-year old male, we’ll call him Billy.  Billy had recently emigrated from China not more than three years ago and preferred to sit at a table with other children who had also recently emigrated from China.  Jaime quickly noticed that everyone at this table spoke Chinese to one another.  Knowing that his Chinese was not up to par, Jaime was too embarrassed to participate in the conversation and instead spoke to Billy, in English, about various things that high school boys tend to do.  One of the other boys at the table had suddenly interrupted their conversation and spoke harshly to Billy in Chinese.  The boy told Billy to make sure not to translate anything for Jaime.  If he wasn’t a “real” Chinese fellow, he didn’t deserve to know.  Jaime and Billy both stared in disbelief at this boy.  Being the outsider of the group, Jaime didn’t reveal that he could understand, but made sure to tell Billy that he knew what was just said later on.

This event, which lasted no more than 5 minutes, bothered Jaime for a very long time.  These people, whom he thought were his peers, told him he wasn’t Chinese.  Before this incident, he certainly felt Chinese.  He knew people who looked at him thought he was Chinese, but apparently he was not.  If he wasn’t Chinese, what was he?  Was he American?  Well, people who look at him certainly don’t call him American right off the bat.  They instead acknowledge him by the race he appears to be; Chinese.  But he according to that one child, he wasn’t Chinese either.  If he was not Chinese and was not American either, what was he?  What group did he belong to?  Who was he?  What was he?  He was both, but neither.  This thought plagued Jaime for many years.  He was always hesitant to join groups as he felt he didn’t really belong there.  He tried to deny his Chinese cultural heritage and conform to the mainstream American one.  Jaime would often be embarrassed by his Chinese heritage and traditions and always changed the subject when anyone asked him about some aspect of his culture.  They were interested but he decidedly, was not.  It all worked out rather well for Jaime, in his opinion.

Eventually, Jaime would graduate from high school, get away from that group of Chinese students who had such a profound effect on his life, and attend college.   However, the entire time, Jaime felt something was off about him.  Something was always missing.  Jaime grew tired of fielding questions about his heritage.  After all, he wasn’t Chinese; he was American, just like them!  He also tired of defending what few traditions he still clung to; such as consulting with his parents before making big decisions in his life or following the career path that his parents hoped he would.  More than once, he heard the phrase, “Well, tell them you’re in America now, and that’s just how we do things.”  He became frustrated of all of this and flipped on his cultural standpoint.  He was Chinese!   How dare they tell him to reject his culture?  Jaime would be resentful every time his friends would make these comments and eventually would withdraw even further from his friends and mainstream culture.

Debrief

Jaime’s story is a rather common one for first generation, bicultural adolescents.  They are at a stage of life where they are trying to find their place in life and in society.  Normally, the average teenager already struggles with the, “Who am I?” paradox; they ask themselves a bevy of questions such as: “Who am I,” “What place do I have in society,” and “What place do I have amongst my peers.”  Bicultural youth of minority backgrounds, such as Jaime, also have the more basic, foundation shaking question of, “What am I?” complicating the mix.

Answering these questions is difficult for any adolescent as mainstream society often pushes children to decide what they are to be in the future.  This is commonly heard in the seemingly innocent question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  With the possibility of attending college looming in the future, we often rush these developing individuals into making a choice relatively early on.  As doubtlessly many of us have seen, this can end disastrously as pushing an adolescent into making a decision can lead to apathy, rebellious behavior, or outright defiance.  The, “Who am I?” and “What place do I have amongst my peers?” questions are often answered as adolescents naturally move through their lives.  “What place do I have in society?” is often guided along by the career inventories, career counselors, real-world experience, and standardized tests often given to these teenagers in the latter years of high school.  But what assistance do adolescents who have to ask themselves, “What am I?” have?  The answer, from my experience, is very little.

The struggle of “What am I?” is what Jaime was made aware of when he sat at that table on that fateful day.  Political correctness would state that Jaime was Chinese American, but what does that really mean?  His Chinese peers would state that no, he was not Chinese, he was American.  And, on the other hand his other peers would tell him that no, he’s not American, he’s Chinese.  He has people telling him that he was both but neither—that while he may be Chinese, he was not and while he may be American, he also, was not.  Both but not really; it almost sounds like the set up for a cheesy drama, doesn’t it?  Unfortunately, there are few resources in place to help adolescents, who are stuck pondering this question, out.

Questions to Consider

• Put yourself into Jaime’s shoes:
  • How would you feel if someone told you, that you did not belong to any of your cultures?
  • What do you imagine would have been different had Jaime spoken up to that teenager who tried to exclude him from the group?
  • How would you feel being around the Jaime who was just entering college?  What about the Jaime at the end of the story?
  • What would be the ideal outcome for Jaime?
  • A much more uncomfortable question to consider, what is the most likely outcome for Jaime?
  • Rank these in order of what you feel are in order of least beneficial to most beneficial (one of them should be fairly obvious!):
    • Rejecting his Chinese culture, accepting the mainstream American culture
    • Rejecting both cultures
    • Rejecting American culture and accepting his Chinese culture
    • Accepting both cultures
    • How could someone help Jaime answer the question of, “What am I?”
    • Why is the basic question of, “What am I?” so devastating?

One thing about Jaime won’t change, other than Jaime’s name.  This one constant is the fact that Jaime will always be bicultural.  Cultural, bicultural, and multicultural issues have always been a fascination of mine, ever since I began the path to be a counselor.  Bicultural individuals face unique challenges every day of their lives.  From simple decision making, to fitting in, to understanding who they truly are; nothing is as simple as it seems.  This is because everything we do as individuals is affected by our culture.  What is culture?  Well that’s a complicated question in of itself.  Academia would suggest as many different meanings for as many cultures there are in the world.  For the purposes of this series of articles however, culture will be defined by the world around us.  The beliefs, values, laws, customs, traditions, norms, and prejudices that are always present in the way we go about our lives.

Culture is important.  It shapes who we are.  It supports us, it nurtures us.  It defines who we are as a group and aids us in our development as individuals.  Even as we celebrate it by espousing such terms as “Multicultural competency” and “Cultural sensitivity,” culture is difficult to understand.  It can easily negatively impact our lives.  It can oppress us and punish us for going against “the norm.”   Culture can confine us to certain rule sets and mindsets but, it doesn’t have to.  And thus I write these articles; these stories of everyday individuals who struggle through the challenge that comes from those who are navigating the foggy maze that is biculturalism.  So, ladies and gentlemen, I invite you to Meet Jaime.

(On a side note, some of you may think Jaime’s existence is quite familiar.  I recall from my youth a regular Saturday Night Live sketch and eventual movie titled, “It’s Pat!”  My way of giving homage to a classic comedy sketch that brought me many smiles.)