Jaime – Finally fitting in
Meet Jaime. Born just a little more than 32 years ago today in a large metropolitan hospital, he is one of the few second generation Asian Americans who are working in the library at a private university. In fact, most of Jaime’s life was spent attending private schools as his parents were very successful entrepreneurs. While Jaime’s parents were disappointed that he didn’t follow in their footsteps by working with them, they did not prevent him from pursuing his chosen career. Jaime has two siblings: An older sister and a younger brother. His older sister is a nurse at a hospital on the opposite coast from him, married, and has two children of her own. His younger brother works at a famous, vegetable-themed tech company in California. The entire family is very proud of Jaime and his siblings.
Growing up, Jaime’s friends and acquaintances were rarely Asian. As his parents were busy running their business and providing for Jaime and his siblings, he was often left in the care of afterschool programs or child caretakers. Jaime was always a bit shy, which was part of the reason the life of a librarian appealed so much to him. It wasn’t so much that Jaime didn’t like being around people, quite the opposite actually, but he simply didn’t feel as if he belonged in the social situations in which he found himself. One occasion he remembered quite clearly was at his university’s anniversary gala. He felt obliged to come, but spent the entire night hovering around by himself and trying to blend in with the walls. This was difficult, of course, as he was the only Asian person there who wasn’t working as one of the caterers. To make matters worse, he kept dreading the possibility of one of the faculty mistaking him for a member of the help which only served to ramp his anxiety up. He didn’t want to embarrass anyone else, after all. During his wanderings, he would overhear various conversations about politics, religion, or even the finer points of French cuisine. While some of the topics they spoke of were of interest to him, he did not join the conversations as he felt he would be intruding. This event only solidified his resolve not to involve himself with the larger crowd.
Jaime imagined that to an outsider, his life was very dull. And he would whole-heartedly agree. After all, other than those occasional parties, Jaime never did much else in his spare time. The anxiety of being around people who were so unlike him prevented Jaime from branching out from the sanctuary that was his library. Though feelings of obligation kept him going to university-sponsored events, he rarely participated beyond indulging in whatever fare the coordinators provided for the attendees. This all changed one day though, when a professor from the student development program approached him at a fundraiser.
The fundraiser was meant to create a scholarship for disadvantaged youth. George, an Asian American, first-generation, immigrant, headed the program. Not more than half-an-hour after the fundraiser began, George introduced himself to Jaime. “I was starting to feel isolated in here!” George gushed, “I’m glad you’re here so I’m not completely alone.” It took Jaime a second to get over the shock that someone had actually engaged him in conversation (the thought, “My defenses need some work,” briefly flashed through his mind). George was a strong advocate for Asian American youth and asked Jaime about his experience as a member of the community as he was growing up. Scrabbling for a proper response, Jaime realized that he couldn’t really remember a time when he actually gave his heritage culture a second thought. Yes, he knew he was different, but he had assumed it was all due to his skin color and the shape of his eyes. Being used to this reaction, George let Jaime off the hook and began talking about his own experiences in more detail. Strangely enough, as George spoke about his own life, Jaime couldn’t help but feel that this random stranger was talking about his own. Jaime found himself enjoying his conversation with George. As the event came to its presentation portion, George was pulled away. However, before he left, he invited Jaime to attend a social mixer that his group was having in a few weeks.
Initially, Jaime was not planning to go. History had taught him that he would just be uncomfortable, so why bother going? He wasn’t obliged to go as this wasn’t a university event. It was just a social event being held by someone he met at a fundraiser. As the day of the mixer came up, Jaime found that he was waffling over whether or not he should go. He didn’t want to be uncomfortable and anxious, but recalled his conversation with George and how much he enjoyed being able to relate to another person. That decided it for him; he would go to the mixer, chat with George for a while, head home again stating that he had, “An early day,” the next day, and it’d be all good. Silly Jaime, as if plans ever worked out that well in real life.
The mixer started off innocuously enough. It was at a trendy gastropub in one of the more youth-oriented districts of his city. However, as soon as Jaime stepped through the door, he noticed something was different. Asians–They were…everywhere. There were a few White folks of course, but the vast majority of the people were Asians and Asian Americans. This was very different from the kinds of events he was used to attending; where he was isolated as different in a crowd of many. Instead, he was just another face in the crowd. He blended in! He could avoid talking to people and no one would notice…but—but he didn’t want to. Rather than the feeling of anxiety that he was so familiar with, Jaime felt a strange sense of comfort blanket him instead. As the night wore on, Jaime found himself speaking with several people about his work, his interests, and sharing “war stories” about growing up Asian in America. Inevitably, the mixer came to a close and Jaime found he was surprised that he had been there the entire night. At some point, George had come over and introduced Jaime to several of his friends when he realized the group was breaking up for the night. He thanked Jaime for coming to the mixer and hoped that he would come to future ones; a sentiment reflected by several other people that he had been chatting with all night. For perhaps the first time he could remember, Jaime didn’t think that was such a bad idea at all.
Debrief
Many people are quite unaware of the effect culture and race has on them (which is the broad, overall theme of these stories!). In a situation where multiple races and cultures coexist with one another, it can be difficult when some member or group is distinct in some way. In short, people who stick out can have it rough. The effects of sticking out versus fitting in may not be entirely blatant or obvious. Often times it’s very subtle. A person may subtly try to imitate the larger group so as to better blend in. Others may try to do the complete opposite and put on grand displays; relishing in their individuality. And others still, hover in the middle somewhat; not really trying to fit in, but not really trying to stand out either. Our man Jaime from this story, most decidedly belongs to this last group.
Try to imagine, if you will, a scale that ranges from 1 to 10. At the lower end of the scale we have “Sticks out like a pretzel in a box of cookies.” On the opposite end, we have “Blends in like a Skittle in a bag of M&Ms.” As you get closer to pretzel territory, negative effects are more likely to occur. In Jaime’s case, a case of social anxiety emerged. He has a desire to fit in, but is unsure how to do so as he knows that he will always stick out due to factors beyond his control.
Questions to Consider:
- Not fitting in can have very negative effects on an individual, but can there be positive effects as well?
- What are the effects (positive and negative, both) of being able to fit in?
- Put yourself in Jaime’s shoes:
- Why do you continue to go to social events, even though you know they make you uncomfortable?
- How has attending private schools your entire life affected you?
- How do you feel about yourself given the careers your siblings have chosen for themselves?
- Suddenly you find yourself in a situation where you don’t stick out. What’s going on in that head of yours?
- What is the significance of being enrolled in private schools for Jaime?
- Why is it important that Jaime was able to share stories about growing up Bicultural?