Jaime, under pressure

§ April 1st, 2010 § Filed under Biculturalism, Filial piety, Meet Jaime § Tagged , , , , § 2 Comments

It began with a simple question:

“Tell me, what you think I should do?”

The decision in question was far from life or death in nature.  The statement behind it spoke out loud and clear:

“I’m just, so confused.”

But it caused a lot of stress and anxiety.  It was caused by one thought:

“I don’t know what to do.”

The question and thoughts paralyzed him; stopping him from making the simplest of decisions.

Meet Jaime.  Jaime is in his late teens and is in his second year of college.  He is the eldest child of immigrant parents with his younger sister being his only sibling.  His parents worked hard to make sure that Jaime and his sister would always have food and a warm home. He was born in a metropolitan hospital; there was nothing abnormal about the birth.  In fact, you could say there was nothing abnormal about the majority of Jaime’s life at all.

Like many children, Jaime had a brief period where he would find himself exhibiting rebellious behavior.  It was during his middle school when Jaime would have a close call with the law.  In an attempt to fit in with a group of his peers, Jaime was almost arrested for vandalism.  He was let off with a warning however, when it was obvious that Jaime had not actually participated in any misdeeds.  Jaime took this warning to heart and would from then on try his best to stay out of trouble.   When questioned, Jaime supposed that he simply got his rebellious phase out of the way early.

Jaime had always been an energetic person and naturally drew others to him.  He quickly emerged as a leader and would always seem to be driven to succeed.  One activity Jaime got heavily involved with during high school was writing.  It happened during an assignment to write a short story for class.  Though the assignment was only for a 5-page story, Jaime ended up writing 32.  He just couldn’t stop himself.  After that, Jaime would join most of the clubs at school that involved writing and was fairly happy.  He had fun in his clubs, had many friends to hang out with, and it was smooth sailing.  Yes, by most definitions of the word, Jaime’s early life was very “normal.”

Jaime is the first person in his entire family to have a chance at earning a degree.  His parents are very proud of him for this accomplishment.  Jaime himself was very grateful to his parents for the opportunity.  He realized that his parents had worked very hard to save up the money necessary to send him to college and that they had passed up on several of their own needs to make sure this would happen.  This was from where Jaime’s drive to succeed came.  He wanted to be successful not only to make his parents proud, but also to be able to give them the things that they sacrificed to get him to where he is today.  College started normally enough.  Jaime was still driven and did quite well in his classes.  Of course, it wasn’t all easy.  He was going to be a doctor and by his second year, seemed to be a shoe-in for the pre-med program at his university.  He had never had a head for the sciences, which were a prerequisite for the pre-med program, and it was difficult for him to grasp the course content.  Jaime kept his head down though and made up for his difficulty understanding with hard work.  As previously mentioned, Jaime’s work paid off and he did very well in his classes.  But things began to change.

It was so subtle, that even Jaime and his friends did not realize it was happening.  In fact, it wasn’t until Jaime almost failed one of his classes did it come to light.  Looking back, Jaime noticed that after being told he was almost assured to be admitted to the pre-med program, that his grades had begun to slip.  It was a very slow progression; a point or two here, a late assignment or almost missing classes there.  Jaime’s friends also noted that his personality had changed.  Gone was the confident and driven Jaime that they had all known and loved.  He would have trouble making simple decisions: Which classes he wanted to take next term, where he wanted to go for lunch, which movie he wanted to see during the weekend.  First came hesitation.  But hesitation soon gave way to indecision and indecision soon gave way to something much worse.  Jaime described the sensation as, “I felt like I was paralyzed,” and “The choices were there, but I was so scared to make a decision either way, so I just put it off.”

Jaime was a bright kid.  He realized that all of this happened when med school stopped being just a dream.  He thought long and hard and talked about it with his friends.    What they found was that Jaime just was not passionate about becoming a doctor.  The hours, the stress, and the responsibility were simply not things that he wanted in his life.  Instead, what he enjoyed much more was being a writer.  He loved to write: Stories, articles, blog posts, everything that had to do with the written word, he was passionate about.  This was partially the reason why he was so unhappy with his current educational tract.  Because he had to work so much harder than his peers to get into the highly competitive pre-med program, he simply did not have any time to write.  His friends agreed that he was a wonderful writer and encouraged him to follow his dream.  Yet, despite knowing that his friends supported him and that this was what he truly wanted to do, the paralysis kept him from moving forward with it.  After all, it was difficult to be successful as a writer.  What about his parents?  They were so proud when he announced that he was going to become a doctor and told all their friends their son was going to be a doctor!  And, let us not forget the sacrifices they made to give him the chance to do so!  How could he disappoint them?  How could he go back on his promise to himself to provide those things they gave up on with his salary as a physician?

It was a normal day when it happened.  Jaime was ordering lunch and stood before the menu, holding up the line.  He couldn’t it.  He just couldn’t make a decision and turning, desperately asked his friends, “Tell me, what do you think I should do?”

Debrief

What happens to Jaime in this particular story can, and often does, happen to anyone.  We all certainly feel the pressures to succeed, whether it is the cultural expectation of the world around us or our families telling us to do so.  While this particular Jaime’s parents were immigrants, I’d like you to keep in mind that this situation happens regardless of how much our multiple cultures align or contrast with each other.

In this Meet Jaime, our protagonist finds himself having difficulty making simple decisions.  This is a common symptom in those who are stuck in this kind of situation.  Jaime has to make a choice.  At surface level, this choice seems to be a simple one: Follow his dreams of being a writer and be happier, or continue on the path toward the medicinal field where he will be much less likely to find happiness.  However, if we look closer, the choice becomes more complicated.  Does he choose his own happiness?  Or does he instead honor his parents’ sacrifices and make them happy?  If he chooses his own happiness, will he be truly happy knowing that he was “selfish” enough to choose himself over his parents?  On the other hand, by choosing his parents’ happiness over his own, will he be resentful of them after he is deep into his career path?  Furthermore, if he makes himself unhappy, will his parents be happy knowing he is not?  You can see how the questions can endlessly stack and stack.  It is no wonder that this sort of decisive paralysis can occur!  It is a situation where there seems to be no “right” answer.  Regardless of what Jaime chooses, it seems inevitable that the compromising or sacrificing the well-being of the other party must be made.

On a cultural note, what part does Jaime’s parents’ status as immigrants play in this complicated situation?  When working with people who have immigrated, a popular question that is often missed is why they had originally emigrated from their home in the first place.  If everything is going well at home, it is very unlikely that a person would simply uproot their family and move to a foreign one where their values, coping mechanisms, and friends are no longer available to them.  One of the most common answers to this question of why, is that they are seeking out a better life for their family.  Their children are often not told of this and it takes an incredible amount of self-awareness on the part of the child to realize that this is what happened.  This iteration of Jaime is one such example of a self-aware child.  However, because of this realization to him, he is ultimately trapped between his desires for a happy life, following his dreams, and the guilt of betraying all the efforts his parents’ exerted to get him to where he is today.

Questions to consider

  • Who’s at fault for Jaime’s misery?
  • Put yourself in Jaime’s shoes:
    • You have to set aside your dreams to meet your parents expectations, how do you feel?
    • You’re entering a career path which you know you’ll hate, but it will not only give your parents pride, but also provide you with the income to make their lives (and sacrifices) worthwhile, how do you put on a brave face?
    • You set aside a lot of your desires for your family’s sake, what effect does that have on you?  Which negative emotions pop up?  Which positive ones?
    • Are Jaime’s parents neglectful parents?
    • In the story, Jaime never tells his parents what his dreams are, how would things be different if he did?
    • What role does being the eldest sibling play in the development of this story?
    • Let’s say he did tell his parents his dreams, how do you think they’ll react?

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