Meet Jim
Meet Jim. Jim is a 14-(soon to be 15) year old male and just happens to be Jaime’s son. Although his parents were divorced, Jim admits that he has never had it very rough. He recalls once asking his sister, Jenny (who you recall from the first part of this story, took care of him for a large portion of his life), why their mother was never around much. She carefully explained the situation to him with words beyond her years. His mother had to work hard to make sure the two of them could go to school, have a home, and food on the table. He understood this very well. And while he harbored some resentment that she wasn’t around as much as some other mothers were, he didn’t raise a fuss and tried his best at school for his mother’s sake. Jim never knew his father and figured if his dad didn’t want anything to do with him, he didn’t care to do anything with his father. He had his mom and Jenny and he loved them. Because of this, he was content with his life.
From elementary through middle school, Jim was not the most popular kid at school, but neither was he considered an outcast. He had a small group of close friends that he enjoyed hanging out with at and after school. He even stayed over at his best friend’s house from time to time for slumber parties. At some point in his life, he can’t quite recall when, his mother had gotten a promotion and was able to spend more time with him. They played games together, talked to each other, and ate together. Life was pretty good for Jim and, when asked, sums up that time of his life with one word: “Fun.” But as life tends to do, things took a turn for the worse.
It started with the knowledge that his mother was dating. Jim had to admit that it was a little weird. For Jim, the status quo was just his mother, Jenny, and himself for as long as he could remember. But his mom’s boyfriend was nice enough, he supposed, he often bought Jim and Jenny presents after all, and he made his mother happy. Not much changed in their life either as his mother still made sure to have dinner with them every night. No, the boyfriend was okay, for now. The bombshell however, happened during Jim’s last year in middle school.
His mother informed him that they were moving to another city. Jim would have to leave his friends behind! He was angry and found the move to be unfair. Why should he have to leave his friends behind just for this new boyfriend? He expressed this anger to Jenny one night and once again, Jenny made sure to explain the situation very carefully to her younger brother. Not much would be changing, other than going to a different school in an entirely different district. The city they were moving to was not so far away that he couldn’t still visit his friends and there was still the internet and the phone. The important part, Jenny stressed, was that the family was still together. Jim, albeit grudgingly, admitted that his sister was right and accepted the situation. Over the next few years, this negative belief faded away.
High school was not bad as Jim had expected. It turned out that one of his closer friends was here, having always commuted by bus to his middle school. Jim also found himself fitting into a niche at school and quickly made several new friends. Like most adolescents his age, Jim is starting to become aware of the opposite gender–you see, there’s this girl in a few of his classes he likes, and there’s rumor that she may like him too! Um, but getting back on track, Jim also goes to some of the clubs that his friends do after school is over. None of them are athletic in nature, or that interesting in his opinion, but his friends are there and he has fun with them; that’s very important to him. Jim still studied hard, but not as hard as he did in middle school. There were always so many other things to do other than school work that was so much more fun, after all.
Jim’s attitude had changed. He didn’t know it, but it did. One day he found all his mother’s questions about his day to be stifling. She had just asked him how his day went the previous day, and the last, and the day before that too. Honestly, just how many things could change in one day? Still, he loved his family and would try to at least answer, even if it was only with a grunt of acknowledgement or a muttered, “I guess.” Really, none of his friends’ parents seemed to be this nosy. His mom and her boyfriend still tried to play board games with him, from time-to-time, and he tried to play because he knew his mother liked them, but over time he simply lost interest. Board games were for kids, after all, and if he was going to play games, he’d play a video game with his friends online. He was late to class once, after forgetting a book in his locker, and got a B amongst a mass of A-grades because there was a question he wasn’t expecting. His mom even asked once why he didn’t sleep over at his friends’ houses like he used to, how embarrassing! He didn’t get into trouble so why did his mom care so much? Just when was his mother going to realize he wasn’t a baby anymore?
Debrief
Does Jim’s story sound familiar to you? It most likely does. While many factors played a role in Jim’s development, it cannot really be said the final result at the end of this story is entirely dysfunctional either. Let’s take a look at the Jim that came about at the end of this vignette: A little self-centered, cares more about having fun and less about school, talks and listens to his friends more than his family, and just wanted to be seen as an adult. Sounding familiar yet? Yes, at the end of this story, Jim developed into a fairly typical, American teenager; though admittedly such a creature is dreaded by many!
American culture emphasizes freedom of choice and encouraging independence. For most of their lives, children remain dependent on their parents and other adults for almost everything. However, at puberty and more or less throughout adolescence, a child begins to transition into an adult. They are stuck at a tumultuous stage in their development where they are not quite a child and not quite an adult. In most cultures, the adolescent is left to figure out this stage of life on their own. What is left unsaid but nevertheless is expected is that these not-yet-adults will integrate the values and norms of mainstream society, mature, and ultimately become productive members of the community.
This notion of independence somewhat conflicts with collectivist cultures; where adolescents are considered to be reaching an age where they are able to become productive members of the family. The difference is very subtle and can often be completely overlooked. If you will recall from the previous story, Jaime and the War at Home, filial piety becomes a much more important notion and children are expected to pick up increased responsibilities in the family, all while maintaining good grades, planning for the future, and ultimately improving the honor of the family as a whole.
The wrench in this story though, comes from folks who have multiple cultures such as Jim. They have two sets of cultures to choose from and quite often, values and beliefs are at direct odds with each other. Most typically, at this age, adolescents choose to fit in to one of the American subgroups; much to the joy and dismay of their parents. Why joy and dismay? Well…
Questions to consider
- Why would Jaime be so concerned about Jim’s behavior?
- Why would a parent be both joyous and dismayed at their child’s adoption of the American culture? (Hint: Ask yourself why the parents moved to the US in the first place!)
- Is the mainstream culture that Jim is adopting the same one as Jaime is expecting him to? What are the ramifications of this?
- You now have more information about what’s going on with Jim. Below are the questions to consider from the first part of the story. Go over them again with this new information and note how your reactions have changed, if at all.
- Put yourself in Jaime’s shoes:
- Your son suddenly stops talking to you, he’s behaving in a completely different way than your older daughter did at his age, what do you do? How do you react?
- Oh my! You just broke your son! What do you think about yourself?
- Think about all the social stereotypes about bad mothering, would you want your son’s “damage” to be your fault? Now add in what you’ve learned about social status from the earlier debrief and reconsider the question.
- Using only the information that Jaime has, what’s your reaction to what’s going on with your son?
- Put yourself in Jaime’s shoes:
- Why is Jaime’s belief system causing her so much distress?
- What cultural values are in conflict? Which ones are right?
- Why is Jenny’s role important? Is it?
- Put yourself in Jim’s shoes:
- How do you feel about the way your life is going?
- How do you feel about your mother’s constant inquiries into your social life?
- Your mother has not mentioned any of her worries to you, can you tell?
- Your older sister, while a wonderful role model, is very successful. How do you respond to this added expectation to your life?
- Would knowing this information help Jaime in any way?
- How could Jaime prevent further anxiety in the future?
- Look back at the stories; is there a simple action that Jaime, Jenny, and Jim could’ve taken that may have prevented all of this worry from happening?